My whole life, i've struggled with insecurities, but somehow I managed to cover it all up with fancy things and my social media face. I often look up to the others and wonder, 'why are they so pretty? 'why is she so flawless?' 'how are they so smart?' and so on.. but I never really accepted myself for who I am, because I am always looking to be somebody else. But here lies all the raw truth about who I am.
I'm literally the happiest person when i'm happy and I'm literally the saddest person when i'm sad, but i'm a gemini, which really means that I am usually able to hide my real feelings. When I do that, people usually get mistaken it with me being two faced, not that i'm denying sometimes I am, it just bothers me that just because i'm quiet it does not mean I don't have my side of story to tell, I just always have the worst luck in trusting people. I have things to say, but I often say it to the wrong person. I have things to do, but I often do it with the wrong people. I am not the best person nor the nicest to begin with but I care about my friends. I am nowhere near innocent - but I keep trusting the wrong people. You see, people say you learn from your mistakes but they forgot to add the part where you have to learn it not once, but again and again. It hits you like a slap in the face once and then it will hit you like a bitch the second, God knows what's next? The first time it hit me, I was doing the wrong things with someone and we made a pact to let it be our thing. We promised to laugh it off until the end of time but luck wasn't on my side when I was accused of something and I never got the chance to speak out to that person, which at this moment too much damaged had been caused and I don't see myself back in that bubble anymore. That person was a great friend of mine, it was great while it lasted. Then comes the second one, have you ever picked up a wounded lonely snake? And then you decided 'oh, poor thing, let me help you', you let it stick by you, you became its very best friend. One day you abandoned it for a while, you came back thinking everything was okay and one fine moment, it decided to wrap itself around your neck and kills you. It hurts so much that it didn't just kill you but it poisons you deep. That's the closest thing I could talk about it because talking about the real thing that happened, really hurts.
I used to spend a lot of times trying to build friendships and making new ties with a lot of people, some of which I am happy to call friends and some are rather toxic. It made me realize how things aren't as it is as you see them, it is what you know behind them. Like how people can be so nice to you but their real agenda was to nowhere good. Which leads me to, become picky when it comes to making friends. I have no regrets when it comes to making myself as my first priority, making sure I get what I want first and then I start to think of others. Not entirely saying that I am 100% selfish, but I need to know who I am first.
There's no reason to be childish, to be hateful and vengeful. It's time for real big girl attitude - to own your mistakes, to change and to accept humility. I have fully accepted with an open heart and mind for all kinds of things that's coming my way - good or bad. No matter how much I tell myself I can get through anything if I put my everything on it, yet i'm still a human with feelings. I get hurt but I believe in 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'. Life sucks but I always find myself digging through little things in life that brings me joy. Pain is temporary, but happiness can promise you a lifetime laughters.
Nobody's perfect - you live and you learn. I never thought at 21 I could learn the biggest lesson so far - be careful to who you confide in. When you're angry at one person, do not express it to another person. We don't know what their intentions are but we know our boundaries. I need to become more of a listener than the talker, because chances are what you said or never said could end up twisted in the worst way ever. It's simple - you don't hear it from me, then it's not from me. I learned to accept my weakness as the ability to trust someone so much and it has changed my perspectives in so many things. The way I look at people, the way I observe things, the way I listen to people, the way I react to people and most importantly the way I love people. I became closer with my family and friends, became better for my boyfriend and most of all I became better for myself.
Now I realise, I have become more than what I wanted to be. That was all because I grew up around these people, the ones who scarred me down to my lowest peak of life, those who cherish me for who I am and those who lifted me up when no one would. I am gratefully blessed with amazing parents, siblings, friends and a man who loves me more than I could love myself. They are all that matters to me - they became a part of who I have become and all of my achievements. I am who I am because of what I have been through and i'm clearly not ashamed of what the others might call me, because acceptance is important. (Life tip, never live in denial. You'll never feel enough, ever.)
This year has been littered with parts of my true self shining through, and I want to see more of that. I've finally realised that this time, i'm not going to be the girls who has that one skill or 'thing', but I wanna be the girl who can do both at the same time, and I want to embrace that.
Love,
Aida
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